Posts tagged ‘me’

February 12, 2011

Turning over a new leaf

by caroanna

Going back to the roots.

What I noticed recently in my own life is true for this blog, too. It started out as an experiment in blogging and thinking publicly about life, hence the telling and truly important title “carpe diem.”

However, as did my life in the recent years, it transformed into a potpourri of opinion, advice, smart-assing. And wasting time.

So I’m turning over a new leaf.

There were a few events last year that have thrown me back a few years, to the person that I was supposed to become, instead of the person that I transformed to instead. I was not a bad person; I just had the wrong motives and lost track of myself. Which turned out to be a dangerous mixture.

So, let me introduce myself as the me in 2005.

This action in itself is a new leaf, because I never wanted to let too much be known of me on the Internet. Who knows where this information will end up? And anyway, sharing too much is never a good idea, you need secrets, right? Whatever.

We share parts of ourselves in whatever we do. It might not be explicit, but every action tells us who we are and what we do. So I say: damn you lies and secrets! Be honest. Be genuine. Be you.

Back to me in 2005:

I just graduated from high school. I was applying to acting schools. I enjoyed the moments I went on stage more than anything else. I was working odd jobs as a cashier and waitress. I was reading a lot of drama. I didn’t have detailed plans for the next few days. I was not afraid of what’s to come. I was not concerned about the future.

I didn’t care about making money. I was willing to sleep on the floor in a tiny apartment for years until I got better roles to play. I didn’t care about security. I was willing to go anywhere, as long as it’s always new. I wanted to see the world. I was running a lot. I couldn’t believe I actually sang in front of people in a tower. I was happy.

In only a few years, that’s what I turned into, from 2008 to 2010:

I wanted to work in the media. Maybe reporter. Maybe PR. Maybe doing media research. Maybe a PhD and being a professor. I was ambitious. I worried about my resume. I wanted success. I was thinking about well-paying jobs. I felt guilty about enjoying myself instead of working. I made detailed plans for the next day. I worried about my future.

I developed a panic disorder that made me a prisoner in my own apartment. I had to fight myself out of it with the help of therapy. I drank vodka before a class presentation. I could’ve died after I filled myself with tranquilizers to get through a wedding and then was stupid enough to drink alcohol. Sometimes, I could look at a white wall for hours, unable to do anything else. I was afraid of traveling. I suffered through the worst break-up of my life. I was dating that person for a while after that.

I was drinking a lot. I wasn’t writing very much. I didn’t exercise or I exercised until it hurt. I didn’t eat or I ate until it hurt. I liked the pain. I cut myself to make me cry and then enjoyed the pain for the following days. I wanted people to like me. I wanted to be alone.

Now, after I hit rock-bottom, in 2011:

I like long mornings. I want to write, every day. I still want to be a journalis, but I also like to write fiction. I keep a journal where the characters have fictional names and places because I think only the feelings count in a journal and I don’t want someone to read what I wrote about other people. I do yoga every day. I meditate. I eat mostly organic. I think about what I could do to help other people.

I try to live simply, with only the things I think are essential or really make me happy. I’m aware that I will never be the perfect person I want to be because that person has changed a lot over the years. I have several answers for almost every question and I think that’s the only way it should be. You can ask me anything. I want to see through other people’s eyes.

I sing a lot. I bought a guitar and learned to play. I take time off and really enjoy it. I believe there are good people and I am one of them. I believe there is love so strong you can’t believe it. I want to have that love. I accept anything that happens. I don’t have plans for the rest of the year and I think that’s awesome. I try to feel good every day. I want to see the world.

See the change?

Of course, these are examples and there were both positive and negative in all phases. But those lists are what I remember most from those times. And my memory is the only reliable source in this case.

So, what does that have to do with this blog? A lot. After all, what I know and have been through shapes my view on things and my writing. I won’t write posts about my personal life or things that happened to me, but they may creep into some posts.

In particular, I was inspired by other bloggers who have the courage to be themselves in public and share with others what they think is a good way to look at the world. Some of them are: RowdyKittens, zenhabits, the middle finger project, far beyond the stars.

What to expect now from the following posts?

  • you’re gonna be challenged to think and see things a little differently
  • you’re gonna want to try new things
  • you’re gonna have to open your eyes
  • you’ll be surprised
  • you may think that I’m weird
  • you’re definition of normal might change

Bold claims, I know. If I don’t meet all those expectations, forgive me. I’m also just human.